surreality continues. i recently switched my shift at work. in case you didn't know what my shift was before, it was 5am-1:30pm. it sucked. see, when i first took the shift it was 5am-12:30 which still sorta sucks but it was pretty much worth it. like, you had enough time to go home, take a nap, and then wake up for evening activities (which for me usually means watching tv, or sewing or something, not like a big night of drinking). so like your reward for coming in so early was that you didn't have to work a full 8 hours. which ruled, cuz i'm on salary. but then they switched it and i was carpooling with this chick who didn't officially get out til 2 and then she usually stayed later so i wasn't getting home til like 3 or 4. i dunno. it just made me generally tired and cranky all the time. this new shift pretty much rules. it's 11am-8pm. what rules is that i get to stay up later (when everyone in my house is hanging out), i get to stop and get a jamba juice on my way in (berry lime sublime is my favorite), and it's a pretty laid-back time of the day at work, since pretty much *noone* is calling after 6. so i've been a much happier person because of it. i've also started occasionally using these pheromone things that my roommate got. see she works at eve.com so she gets free stuff all the time. this stuff is made by philosophy and it's this tiny bottle that retails for $60. it's for women or gay men and you put a lil dab under your nose and it makes you fall in love with yourself. it's called "falling in love". it's totally changed my life. so i have this plastic bag of letters and cards and stuff that i've gotten over the years. sentimental value and such. it's got like notes that were passed in class in high school, and every letter that my best friend in high school sent me the summer we were first apart (i was taking drama at yale). i'd never throw this stuff out. but emails just aren't the same thing, ya know? and i'm trying to let some of that go. i mean, used to be i would save every single email i got from people, neatly saved into a little file for each person. even if it was something dumb like "what time do you wanna meet for dinner?" so i'm trying to lose this attachment and yesterday i went and deleted every email that was in folders (not the ones in my inbox which i'm not sure why i'm saving). what was sorta hard and weird in a way is that i deleted every email that i got from this friend of mine who i don't talk with anymore. in some ways, i think i was in love with her. i know i was...but it wasn't really in a sexual way. but anyway, we sorta had this weird falling out or something where i realized that she wasn't everything that i had made her out to be (hence the quote above). her last email said "i know that this isn't the end of our friendship. i just need time..." but i don't know. i mean, on some levels, i just don't care. there's nothing that i want to do to try to rebuild the friendship. and it was pretty much like that when we first had our falling out (it wasn't really a *fight* which is why i keep saying this). and it sorta freaks me out that i could let go of something that i had loved *so* intensely just like that. i know at the time i was really depressed and that probably had something to do with it. so anyway, it was just really weird to go and delete all of those emails from her. just cuz it was email ya know? i mean, i'm not gonna go and throw out all of the handwritten letters i have from her. and i think i'm ok with it all. well, ok. i think i've written enough for now. i'm sorta thinking that i have a lot more time to work on my page if i can just get my ass in gear to do so. mail|past entries|headtrip