how did i come this far, get this bad? i used to think that my sadness/depression/whathaveyou may have been partially made up, a manifestation, or a replication of those around me. that i wanted the attention, the reinforcement of love, to suffer too cuz of some romantacized conception of the tormented artist. when i first cut myself, i knew that i would have never thought of doing it on my own. that i could take just about any list of symptoms in the dsm or whatever the hell that book is and apply it to myself. which of course is fucked up in its own right. but i don't wanna be this way anymore.
but maybe i do.
just over a week ago, i was special. i was obviously smarter than a lot of people in the world. i had so many friends, so much love and i knew that everyone liked me as much as i liked them. not just liked--but passionately felt our deep connection. there was nothing in my heart but love. and i felt nothing but love. i knew that i could solve the world's problems, at least someday, and knew that i would. i had a greater connection to the cosmos. i would one day understand its secrets. i could succeed at anything.
now i don't feel anything. i have no real friends. there's no one that i really talk to, no one that i share everything with. no one that i like. and i know that that's dumb and stupid and not really true. but for some reason, i can't really convince myself of that. i know in my heart that there are lots of people that love me but the only thing i can see is how they don't love me, how they don't care about me, how they don't understand me and don't really want to. and i feel so alone which is something that i never thought i would feel. and it scares the shit out of me. i hate that i'm feeling so needy but i don't know how to ask anyone for what i need, cuz i don't think that anyone could give me what i need. and i don't really know what it is that i need except some sort of reason to go on. and i can't think of anything that could give meaning to my life. everything i think of seems so trite--like each thing could be followed by a "so what?" and i never really get to the what--is life about love? so what? does it ever last? can it ever be constant when it's always changing? is it loving other people? so what? where does that leave me? and am i being selfish for asking that question? is it leaving the world a better place? so what? does that ever stop? can utopia ever be attained? and if it can be and that's what we should be striving for, then what comes after that? what would it mean to live in a perfect society? and can society just never be perfect cuz everyone's ideas of perfection are all different? so what's the use of creating a perfect utopia for yourself if not everyone can have that utopia? and it it's just to lead a good life, then what is a good life? how can that mean anything? what is one person's happiness in relation to all of Everything? i feel so small and insignificant. Everything is a really big thing. why am i even writing this? what for? why bother? it's really small compared to everything that's in my head.
i am not god. i am not brilliant. i am not stupid. i am not famous. i am not important. i am not allen ginsberg, not jack kerouac, not neal cassidy, not any of the beats. i am not my mother, not my father, not my brother, not the sister i never had, not my aunts, not my uncles, not my cousins, not my gramma or grampa. i am not alice, not susan, not hobbes, not joanna, not meredith, not greta, not erin pipkin, not my erin, not alex, not chris, not any of my friends. i am not an agent of the illuminati, not fbi, not cia, not kgb. i am not fighting any of those people. i am not a muscian, i am not marilyn manson's girlfriend. i am not a kung fu master. i am not a computer programmer. i am not a millionaire. i am not a big hollywood director. i am not a movie star. i am not a sex symbol. i am not the person who discovered the cure for cancer, or aids. i am not a fashion designer. i am not a doctor. i am not a physicist. i am not a writer. i am not an artist. i am not a glass blower. i am not a fairy. i am not a princess. i am not a witch. i am not a knight in shining armor. i am not a clean person. i am not good at paying my bills on time. i am not a buddhist. i am not catholic, not jewish, not muslim, not wiccan, not pagan, not discordian. i am not on a mission from god. i am not lost. i am not found. i am not my professors, not my teachers. i am not a wife, not a girlfriend, not a lover. i am not any kind of friend. i am not democrat, not republican, not anarchist, not socialist, not marxist, not pacifist. i am not gay, not straight, not bi, not poly/mono/a-/anti. i am not postmodern, not modern, not post-postmodern. i am not an animal. i am not human. i am not light. i am not energy. i am not dead. i am not anything in between. i am not cool. i am not uncool. i am not an activist. i am not a figure of anyone's imagination. i am not a hippie, not a raver, not a punk, not a riot grrl, not a preppie, not an athlete. i am not rich, not poor, not middle class, upper-middle class, lower-middle class, lower-upper class, or upper-lower class. i am not color. i am not black and white. i am not the star of my own life movie. i am not in control of my life. i am not about to let anyone control my life. i am not comfortable. i am not skinny. i am not fat. i am not average. i am not a secret. i am not common knowledge. i am not early, not late. i am not on time. i am not a character in a novel.i am not a drug addict. i am not a drunk. i am not a drug user. i am not sober. i am not an adult. i am not a child. i am not twentysomething. i am not gen x, not gen y. i am not a slacker. i am not a go-getter. i am not management material. i am not an achiever. i am not an underachiever. i am not a team player. i am not alone. i am not with company. i am not an inspiration. i am not a contradiction...
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